Pixelated

Adios

2006-01-22T17:04:00.000-04:00

To my 2 readers
I'm starting a new blog, this one has been a wonderful outlet for me creatively and a good way to let out a lot of frustration.
I started it as a naive girl and have since grown into a woman.
Always a girl at heart, a child too, i feel like quite the grown up and its time to leave a lot behind - including this blog.
I'm hoping i can contain this little box of frustration and set it free. I have moved to a new blog and feel free to email me for the new link - or leave a comment with your email asking for it.
Thank you for reading and supporting, you still can, just in a whole spankin new place:)
Kris.

leaving on a jetplane

2005-10-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

toooo badd that i'll be bacck again.
Sorry for scaring the pants offa some of you with my depressed posts
it was just sucking for a while..still is but i'm getting out.
Going on vacation for a bit.
see you bitches when i get back.

luv yah.

sometimes it hurts

2005-10-25T00:20:00.000-04:00

to breathe.
When in one instant you realise that for the past decade the world has moved but you've forgotten to.
When you realise that fear has ruled your life and you can never get back the time you've lost.
When you come to see that you have no idea who you are, what you're about, what you want to do, what you need to do.
Sometimes leaving seems like a good idea.
You leave one place for another and yet you're still that same nobody, just in a different place.

this, my friends, is rock bottom.

bah

2005-10-11T15:11:00.000-04:00

i think i'm too depressed to blog.
Sigh.
I'm healthy, alive and blessed in so many ways.
But when the one thing you've been after all year, just seems like it ain't gonna happen, you feel like the bullshit has won, and you die just a little bit inside.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

2005-09-29T08:01:00.000-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHhhhhh
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUGHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..
Fuckit
Fuck it ALL

¿Dónde está el hombre de mis sueños?

2005-09-24T22:48:00.000-04:00

So...this is why i've decided, that i need a husband.
Sometimes i sit and think and suddenly realise, that i need something.
I had to have the bread machine, so i got one and boy was i happy with it, how did i EVER live without one?
The swiffer sweeper? Same deal. My various digital toys, yep, i think it up, i need it badly, i get it, i love it.
So i suddenly thought, on thursday night, that i need me a husband.
It started a while ago really, when i kept borrowing friends husbands for things. Usually i have help if i really need it or at least a second opinion, but on this particular night, nobody.
First there was the giant bug that was trying to kill me earlier in the week. My neighbor's husband took care of that for me. Then my bulb changing incident a couple days later which another neighbor's husband solved for me. This led to Thursday night when i was getting ready for a party.
I was making dip..fattening dip that i didn't want to taste for fear of the dreaded calorie. I ended up having to taste it myself. I grumbled and thought , ugh i need a husband.
Then i proceeded to get ready. I needed a second opinion on my shirt..can ya see my bra through it can ya? I turned this way and that...but i needed that second opinion. Then there was the slicing of the cucumbers for the dip..skin on? skin off? Nobody to back me up...one quick phonecall and the skin was left on. See if i had a husband i wouldn't have had to place the phonecall and it cost money. Having a husband would save me money apparently. Then there was the oh shit i'm drying my hair its at a crucial stage of almost straight enough...when the oven timer goes off...do i rush to the aid of my brownies and forsake my perfect coif? Sigh..if i had a husband he'd take them out of the oven FOR ME!
Then there was the whole balancing two dishes whilst walking down a LOT of stairs in very tiny heels. Hubby would have carried the dishes FOR ME.
I come home, look at the kitchen that needs a little bit of tidying up and know that i need to workout before it gets too late and a neighbor complains about stomping over their head, so i forfeit dishes (that hubby would have done of course) and i work out. As soon as i'm done? Power went out. Great. Lovely. I need a shower, the pump doesn't work when the power is out, hubby would have gone downstairs and gotten me a bucket of water, tho i hate bucketing it, sometimes its necessary here.
So i hung around..by myself..so bored because there's NOTHING TO DO WHEN THE POWER GOES OUT - hubby would have entertained me.
So i grumble and sit seething in the silence till the power comes back on.
Then proceed to bathe and then do the dishes, then hop into bed , where , alas, there definitely was no hubby to partake in those festivities either.

You Just Don't Fit In.

2005-09-21T21:38:00.000-04:00

Gosh has it really been 4 days since i've posted.
Geez.
I watched the Martha Stewart version of the apprentice tonight.
(it's premiere night)
Boy do i have a whole hell of a lot to say.
I LOVE MARTHA
Always have, always will. Always always.
The woman dresses in martha stewart signature colors -which match the entire omnimedia office which is painted and decorated using martha stewart signature colors.
The decor of the conference room they used is just absolutely beautiful. Serene background showcasing an impressive dark laquered table atop which sits three small square bows filled with some neat, green bushy thing. (I kept trying to see what it is but i'l keep peeking till i figure it out)
Her right hand people are her daughter Alexis and chairman of the board Charles Koppelman (who it turns out knows one of the candidates and was oh so shocked to see her walking into the conference room) He mentioned it and informed her that if she's as good as the rest of them, she has a chance. Martha inquired as to the nature of the relation and he said that she was a friend of his daughter and he'd known her since she was 15. The girl later added that she dated his son at some point.
The team members were asked to split themselves into two companies a la Trump's version and they split Creative vs Corporate - creative being called Matchstick and corporate being primerius (er i need to double check that). Bad bad BAD idea!
You never put a bunch of creatives together without corporate/managerial intervention. As much as we hate them, we cannot organise and execute anything - especially a creative endeavour without having a hellacious time. Creatives, while we appreciate other's work we also find fault easily and everyone wants it to be their way. We also spend a lot of time on the creative aspect of things (duh its our job) and sometimes have a lot of trouble with the delegation and project management, budget etc side of things. This was like watching a trainwreck unfold as the creatives squabbled and the project manager (who i personally think needed to be on the corporate end of things) Jeff hung on to the reins and basically hung everyone with it. He ultimately went home with the new phrase ' you just don't fit in' which is VERY martha but packs nowhere near the punch of The Donald's 'You're Fired'.
It was amazing to see an entire group after voicing very valid concerns over the project, allow themselves to be taken over completely by the project manager, hm. I know he was project manager and ultimate decisions were up to him, but there were people more qualified to handle the project and he, as a project manager needed to recognise this and delegate to suit.
The book was terrible, the way it was written was terrible ( he tried to be Dr Seuss and to say he failed miserably is an understatement).
The other group re wrote jack and the beanstalk as an undersea version and pre tested it on kids before finalising it - the corporate heads were strategising while the creatives caved in to jerky Jeff's joke of a fairytale.
Jim will prove to be a toe cruncher as his inappropriate and ill timed humor lends to an impression of him being a slacker with a big mouth. I love Howie he's my guy right now. The girl Bethenny (who Charles knew) seems to be a bit of a firecracker so she's one to watch as well. She mouthed off on Dawn in the board room and thank God it got silenced before she started growing fangs. Martha won't have fangs in her conference room no sir. The texture 'Just don't fit in.'
I think Dawn had a lot to offer today and maybe she wasn't vocal enough in expressing it to Jeff, but due to editing, who knows, i doubt Jeff would have listened anyways. Jeff was definitely not a team player and it showed instantly. I can't wait to watch next week to see what plays off.
Btw...did any of you guys want that sushi more than i did?
Droooooool.

Extra Extra! Read All About It !!!

2005-09-15T01:08:00.000-04:00

My brand spankin new ONLINE STORE!!!
http://www.cafepress.com/webgrl
Click to visit and buy some cute webgrl designs.
Show your love people!

Much ablog about nothing

2005-09-13T23:33:00.000-04:00

So many wonderful posts have found their way through my brain maze lately, but never to see keyboard nor screen.

I could have written about the bug episode tonight, in which i let a 2 inch bug terrorise me for 2 hours till i relented and called my neighbor who got rid of it in a couple seconds. I spent hours on the phone devising plans to kill it which included everything from smelling it to death with air freshener to smacking it with a shoe or shooting it with window cleaner - i was out of bugspray and the little bugger kept itself nicely out of range. It should be known, however, that bugs get pissed off if you hit them with window cleaner. It also gives them super flying powers.

I could write about the first episode of the new Martha show, which did not disappoint, but hearing her make fun about prison, or refer to being in prison was just plain weird. But we love martha. LOVE MARTHA.
She showed a quick t shirt folding method, and might i say, laundry day will never be the same.

I could write about the feelings of inadequacy i've had lately, when faced with a project that should have been easy and fun enough, but my skills were lacking, and i feel like even my people skills are lacking too, when it comes to dealing with clients and general client communication. I've wanted to hide again, hide under my desk and not be found. But i'm trying to work and to blow the dark cloud away.

I've found myself shrinking from tempting social events that have passed and are upcoming, because i'm not happy with how i look, not much has changed about how i look mind you, but my view has become so distorted i'm no longer quite sure exactly how i look.(this too shall pass)

I go from being excited about my upcoming trip, to being annoyed at having to go, because i failed at all the plans i had to make myself look different before i go.

I was finally able to produce a tiny sketch today, happy, cute and hopeful.

I continue to fight, giving up is not, nor ever has been an option.

Does anyone read my ramblings?
If you're out there, let me know :)

Siento

2005-09-12T23:07:00.000-04:00

Life is busy.
It shouldn't be too busy to blog but procrastinating patty is behind.
Very behind.

7things

2005-09-08T18:18:00.000-04:00

Took this from her fab blog.
This gal never fails to crack me up or call a spade a spade.
7 Things I plan to do before I die:

1. Publish a book
2. Learn how to make Sterling Silver jewelry using scary hot and sharp tools.
3. Get married
4. Have babies
5. Go to Italy and have wine and some fabulous italian food somewhere overlooking the Tuscan countryside.
6.Have a home that's designed how i like it and it must have a studio and a chef's kitchen.
7. Have my own design business (bigger scale and not solely web.)

7 Things I can do:

1. I can knit
2. I can paint and draw well.
3. I can put people at ease quickly
4. I can cook pretty good and i'm getting good at baking too (uh oh!)
5. I have a good eye for design
6. I am good at analyzing things
7. I can cram off a semester's worth of work in one night like nobody's business.

7 Things I can not do:

1. I can't put together outfits very well.( i never had a pic where i looked back and thought oh! that was cute! its always a cringe)
2. I can't stay in the lines totally but i'm a pro at redrawing lines to make it look like i did!
3. I can't stay in a relationship very long.
4. I can't lose weight and keep it off!
5. I can't have a conversation without analyzing it silly afterward
6. I can't sit through a movie without needing to pee once or twice. Soda or not.
7. I can't be in a car without driving for someone in my head or hitting imaginary breaks or clenching my southern cheeks.

7 Things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1. Laugh. A good belly laugh.
2. A genuine smile
3. Hands and eyes!
4. Kissability.
5. He's gotta be a geek
6. He has to love his family
7. I'm sticking with stacey on this one. She said scent. I'm a sucker for a good smelling guy. Cologne drives me batty!

7 Things I say most often:

1. Whatever. (sticking with stacey on this one too.)
2. Cools!
3. This too shall pass
4. Fuck! (and variants thereof such as: fuck a duck! for fuck's sake! ohh you fucktard!)
5. Binggggggggggggggggg!(bro's nickname)
6. Dah ling
7. Hahloh ( my way of saying hello on the phone.)

7 Celebrity crushes:
1. Ricky Martin ( mm mm mm mmmm mmm mmm)
2. Jessica Simpson
3. Ashlee Simpson
4. Kanye West
5. John Stamos (hahloh unca jessee!)
6. Jake Gylanhaal (however the fuck u spell his name i wasn't his godmother)
7. Dr. Sanjay Gupta (oh shut up have you heard this man speak? droool he's sooo well spoken and HOT!)

Motivation left town

2005-09-07T12:18:00.000-04:00

Totally completely unbelievably not motivated.
I wanna go back to bed and get my zzzs on i'm TYAD!
I don't have a reason to be tired.
I figured i was recovered from school weeks ago.
Maybe its a delayed reaction.
A delayed reaction thats TOO LATE because i have work to do
at the rate i'm going i'll be done ten years after my deadline.
I don't even feel like opening up my graphics programs to create the little images you've grown so fond of, dear internet. I'm tired.
Maybe i should try a nap then start over again.
Maybe.

dental survivor

2005-09-05T20:43:00.000-04:00

I survived and avoided the root canal. I was a hair away from needing one so i suspect should this filling fail me like the last, there wont be anything left to drill and so no more avoiding it.But for now, its great and no fillings needed anywhere else.
I love advils tonite!
Now....somebody get me a sticker.

p.s. does anyone else notice that bush is doing a whole lotta backtracking and stuttering these days?
grrrr

Ain't dead!

2005-09-04T19:55:00.000-04:00

I'm not in a blogging mood or an anything mood. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow - something i usually don't flinch at but this is a new dentist and i've never had a new dentist before i've had my same old dentist since i got teeth! I am SO SCARED and i need to have a filling and i'm PRAYING its not a root canal i need.
I was told if there's no pain its unlikely that i'll need one.
Say a wee little prayer for me pls i'm scared outta my wits :(

Lord Bless this chick.

2005-09-02T12:17:00.000-04:00

"But Bush insists help is on the way, while his minions insist the response has been "immediate" and appropriate. It must be comforting to live so far outside of reality."

Amen sista.

Kat-astrophe

2005-09-02T11:03:00.000-04:00

I could not get to sleep at all last night.
I tossed and turned as the images of New Orleans flooded every thought.
Trying to watch comedy central over CNN or ABC right before i closed my eyes , really didn't help.
Its like Grenada ten times over.
Bodies floating, bodies being pushed aside and covered, people starving, thirsty,sleep deprived, knowing they've lost everything and don't know where loved ones are.
It is heartbreaking to watch the news.
To see the people clinging to their meagre belongings and begging BEGGING to 'get us out of here'
and to 'do something! anything!'
These people are living on nothing, one tourist in a hotel spoke of being offered only water as their food had run out.
There are so many babies and sick people in the hospital and they have not yet evacuated them.
The UK offered help, the US gov't has 'yet to respond'
This is being played out in slow motion as people continue to die.
Loretta has links to more info as well as some stirring posts on Katrina's aftermath.
I agree with her...its not worth posting much else right now.

American Red Cross
Where to Donate

Prayers, as always, are good too.

:(

2005-09-01T22:28:00.000-04:00

I'm too upset to blog really.
Can you believe what you're seeing on the news?
Those poor people.
My prayers are with them, i wish i could do more.
Oh and i have i mentioned lately...that the current US president is a complete and total moron?

Lyric Series 7

2005-08-28T22:52:00.000-04:00

Song: 100mph
Artist: Tabitha
Lyrics: Fumbling forward through thorns, thistles and rain; it's marred skin I'm in though I'm numb to the pain.
Commenter: Tab
Thanks Tab, stirring lyrics!
This lyric is taken from a song written by my lovely, talented friend Tabitha. She has pipes that sound sort of alanis like but definitely with her own original twist. Her voice will raise the hairs on your neck and give you major goosebumps. This is one talented chick and i'm glad that she's my friend! Pipes of honey and heart of gold.
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My last of the lyric series - for now.
These last two were a little dark for my mood at the moment but i worked it :)
These lyrics sort of matched what i've been through this past year with all facets of my life. I did get numb to it at one point but i wouldn't change anything. I learnt some pretty valuable lessons and people have passed through much much worse and would gladly trade with me. I was healthy and strong the entire time and i am thankful for it.
:)
Thank you to everyone who was around to listen to me whine and complain and even lent me shoulders to cry on or a helping hand when i needed it.
I'm here for any of you. Always always.

Fumbling forward through thorns, thistles and rain; it's marred skin I'm in though I'm numb to the pain.

Lyric Series 6

2005-08-28T00:08:00.000-04:00

Song: Frail
Artist:Jars of Clay
Line: Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows
that take the cup from me
Dirt removes my blindness
and pain becomes my peace
Commenter: Nikolas

Thanks Nik! You certainly posed a heck of a challenge. Ignore my angry text messages:P but yea, screw you for this lol.

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What a dark set of lyrics.
I am not in a dark mood or feel the slightest bit blue (must be those endorphins- i love flipper!)
I tried to transpose the meaning somewhat whilst leaving the dark element of the dreary winter night background and cooler colors on the leaves of the tree.
The tree being a symbol of life and stages, seasons and changes.
The mood of the lyric is somber hence the palette once more. I could have gone darker and more literal but i didn't feel it. For a night where no frowns happen inside or out, where i don't second guess myself or worry, overanalyse or get upset, i'm sticking with hope.

soon!

2005-08-27T23:54:00.000-04:00

almost ready!

Lyric Series 5

2005-08-26T22:51:00.000-04:00

Song: Circle Game
Artist:Joni Mitchell
Line: And the seasons they go round and round And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time.We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came.And go round and round and round in the circle game
Commenter: Antie M
Gracias! Fantastic choice, definite fave of mine. I hope you like the graphic i created for you. Its sort of mehndi inspired and i'm on a circle kick lately - so the song title tied in great. These lyrics are so powerful. Using such a simple 'visual' to illustrate something so profound and complicated-but not. We often make it more complicated than it is i think, nice to come back to lyrics like these and have it figured it out for you. Good luck to you on your carousel :)

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Life and changes.
Spirals, swirls, rounds, seasons, moods.
Saying we can't return on a round suggests a spiral.
Perhaps somewhat reminiscent of the spiral life cycle model.
Like software development, our lives are iterations of tests and various types of analysis at one point or another, decisions and ultimately, demise.
(lets stuff my inner geek into the closet along with my inner ole crotchety bitch for a sec)
We learn so much at every stage, and sometimes the stages help us go back to situations and things we've passed through and it helps us to reanalyze and make sense of it, then, hopefully, we learn something from it.
I'm learning a lot about who i am and what i'm about, why i am and why i do the things that i do. Some of it is ugly some of it isn't, i'm not about to stop. Like the song says 'we're captive on the carousel of time we can't return we can only look behind from where we came and go round and round and round in the cirle game.'
So, go on and have a look behind. You won't turn to salt, i promise.
Sometimes looking behind is the best way to get ahead. It makes you see how far you've come and gives you the courage and confidence to step into that next ring of the spiral.

Lyric Series 4

2005-08-25T22:06:00.000-04:00

Song: Forest Whitiker
Artist:Brother Ali
Line: To everyone out there who’s a little different I say damn a magazine these are God’s fingerprints. You can call my ugly but can’t take nothing from me I am what i am doctor you ain’t gotta love me
Commenter: Mike
Thanks bro you were right. Brother Ali will make you feel good about who you are. I needed this.

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The body vs self debate.
Heated, passionate, often pointless and always with the same outcome.
Wanting to see yourself for what you truly are, vision obscured by the grey of self perception.
Magazines,society,movies,the media,people,life, infomercials...tell you you're not enough,worthy,beautiful.
There's always something you need, to be good enough.
None of those influences are as powerful as your own.
We're our own worst critics.
I can make myself feel like the most beautiful person, or the most hideous beast. I often choose the latter.
Why? Knowing the power i have in deciding which i am, do i choose evil over good?
Maybe i'm afraid to be beautiful, afraid to be good enough.
I place too much emphasis on what people think of me, and what that is, isn’t always accurate.
Tinted by my own self perception, I tend to invent what I think they think.
I’ve become more aware of the need to shrug off these perceptions, wrong, damaging, self-deprecating, counterproductive thoughts and turn them into something positive.
Fuel for my suppressed dreams because I DO deserve them.
Everyone should, at the very least, be able to dream.
So damn the masses (or my thoughts)
I am what I am, you ain’t gotta love me.

Lyric Series 3

2005-08-24T21:21:00.001-04:00

Song: I Miss You
Artist: Bjork
Line: I miss you, but i haven't met you yet. So special but it hasn't happened yet.
Commenter: Elspeth
Thanks, this was a stirring one. Had to take a long hard look.

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I've always dreamed about finding my 'perfect' guy, getting married, having babies, the house etc etc.
So i suppose for me, this line speaks to that desire.
I spent a lot of time lying to myself, telling myself that i didn't want it, mostly because i felt i didn't deserve it.
Each time that want popped up i smothered it. Pushed it away.
But i do want it.
And i'm going to be honest with myself.
I want to find someone that i can communicate with, he should make me laugh and make me feel safe and loved.
I would want to share the enormous task of parenting with him and know that we'll almost always be on the same page (or pretty close tho i know our opinions will differ, parenting goals will not). I want him to know the exact moment that i need him to pull me into his arms and just hold me, for no reason.
I want someone to take care of, to love, to be with and to watch while he sleeps.

I miss you, but i haven't met you yet.

I want to get it.
Understand why i'm here
Know what i'm good at , and do that.
I know my life can be something special, something good.
Somehow i always felt like the puzzle will come together at 28.
I don't know why, but i've always felt that 28 would be a magical year for me.....we'll see.

So special but it hasn't happened yet...

This line also spoke to me on the level of self.
Me
Who i am and what i want.
Almost as if i haven't yet met myself.
I miss me but i'm not quite sure what i'm missing. Its as though i'm missing what i know i could be.
Silly fears stop us from doing a lot.
Fear rules my life and i am tired of being afraid to live.
I want the something special that hasn't happened yet.
I feel it though.
Its about to happen.

Lyric Series 2

2005-08-23T14:17:00.000-04:00

Song: Limp
Artist: Fiona Apple
Line: You fondle my trigger, then blame my gun.
Commenter: Nyxxie

Thanky Nyx! This was such an interesting line to do. It really made me think of my gun like behavior when someone pushes my buttons or 'fondles my trigger' the graphic was inspired by words that shoot out of us when we're triggered, so the lyrics spiral out of the gun almost sonic like in appearance. Thanks!:)
click the graphic for different sized versions and to download!
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He knew my triggers and never bothered to be mindful.
I suppose that wasn't his job, mine was to slow my reaction.
Once the bullet's out of the gun its always too late.
I tend to run with it.
Shoot without questions
Bullet often wounding only my foot.
Probably one of the biggest lessons he taught me, was to slow my response.
Stop
Think
Then speak.
I can control it.
I'm the boss of me.
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Keep commenting! I have a couple days left that need subjects.

Lyric Series 1

2005-08-22T22:25:00.000-04:00

Song: Breathe 2am
Artist: Anna Nalick
Line: If i get it all out on paper its no longer inside me threatening the life it belongs to.
Commenter: Creative Beth

Thanks Beth, this was a fabulous choice, in fact, one i'd have picked hadn't you suggested it but we think so much alike that's to be expected right:) Maybe you could start some series on your blog!
If you want to join us there are a couple days left that need subjects so comment away!

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This line pretty much sums up why i blog.
Sometimes there are things you want to get out that you don't feel comfortable expressing to anyone directly, and for me, this is the place to do it.
Sometimes you just want to whine (like my previous boyfriend posts) and i wouldn't whine to a friend i'd rather just bitch about it in here.
Sometimes people just don't want to hear things, my blog can't object, and i only feel slight guilt for letting loose on here.
There's also a certain level of narcissim associated with blogging, but, of course, only a little *wink*
I've long learned that bottling things up only leads to disaster.
When that carbonated explosion happens the effects of it can be felt long, long after.
Here, only few that i permit can read (unless sneaky buggers get my url). I don't mind strangers reading, its people i know that i sometimes worry about when i write.
I've censored myself on more than one occasion because of this, i try really hard not to.
Free speech. This is my forum.
If you don't like it, and i've said this before, just walk.
But as long as i get it out its no longer inside of me, threatening me.

post it notes

2005-08-18T20:47:00.000-04:00

There are two butter yellow post its on my dresser mirror.
His handwriting.
They were pasted onto my christmas presents...explaining what they were or why he got me them.
The top post it was stuck on a pair of pink fuzzy toe socks, they were from his daughter.
She's thoughtful and sweet like that.
Remembered a conversation we had about how much i loved toe socks and didn't have any..and that i love the color pink, the fuzzies were a bonus i guess indicative of her fuzzy love for me:)
The last time we spoke she told me that she loved me.
I melted.
She brings out the giggly twelve year old in me and makes me smile so hard my face hurts.
I knew he loved the relationship she and i shared, and i just adored the way he loved her.
I was never privy to a daddy daughter relationship and was blessed that they shared snippets of it with me.
The second post it was stuck onto a bottle of my favourite scented set , lotion, talc and spritz, and it read ' you didn't think i asked just for the sake of knowing didja?'
I kissed the post it, because he'd once held it.
I know, i know.
But i am just a girl
with a semi broken heart.
Wanting her boy back.

ouch ouch ouch

2005-08-18T20:40:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those days......
I'm in a mostly good mood (hey-exams are DONE!...or hadn't i mentioned that?)
But i missed him pretty badly today.
I know you'll tell me i'm silly
I should move on
I can't without closure.
He hasn't spoken to me in three weeks.
I alternate between wanting him to go to hell for hurting me like this
and feeling sorry for him because i know what he's like.
I also have this huge feeling that he needs me...or our friendship over our relationship right now.
I can't shrug it. I feel like something is up in his life and he needs me.
Only, he's too scared and stubborn to reach out.
If i could talk to him right now i'd tell him all i want is for us to talk this out
to work it out
We were friends before we were anything more.
I miss my friend.
If this is love, it hurts like a bitch.
I want to email him but i promised i wouldn't.
I want him to know how much i miss him and i'm hurting.
I need him to know that i love him and care about him.
Always will.
Always always.

slutsky

2005-08-17T22:00:00.000-04:00

I'm in a mood that i have not been in FOREVER.
I feel like putting on my highest heels and dancing all night with uhm...
a suitable gentleman....
ok i lie.
In this mood, the last thing i want is a gentleman....hehe
Roar baby! RRRRROOOAAAARR
shee'ssss BAAAAACK!

blurboblog

2005-08-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

Fill your mind with good things.
With positive things.
Reach out to people.
Share the love you have.
Like the modules of your mind, we are all connected.

--------------------------
Thinking about him today hurts(and makes it hard to breathe as corny as it sounds). I love him.
-----------------------------------
walking around in 5 inch heels for two days.....hurts. We can rule out hooker as a career option
-------------------------------
my weeklong blogging series will begin on monday the 22nd of august.
I postponed it to give you guys a chance to participate.
I am going to pick the title of a song or a line from it (either chosen by me or by you) and write a post based on that.
Put your suggestions in the comments of this post and watch out for what i come up with! Should i receive more than seven suggestions, i will honor them all and extend the series past my original time of one week, but limit it to two weeks.
I also reserve the right to blog about other things on any given day.
Each post will contain a specially designed graphic for it and the commenter will receive a copy of the image to be used for any non profitable purpose that they wish, so please include your email address in the post.
These lines/song titles may be subject to copyright thingamawhatsits that i know nothing about. So please be mindful of that.
Start sending :) you have five days till i begin.
Hugs and squishes.
Me.

One martini two martini three martini floor....

2005-08-15T18:48:00.000-04:00

ITS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE YEAR OF TORTURE IS DONE!!!!!!!
amen amen amen amen.
I am the happiest girl on the planet..ok maybe i'm a bit too drunk and tired to be THAT happy but i'm soooooo relieved.
We ended our Year of Torture by going to the bar and to lunch and back to the bar where hm...i met someone pretty interesting and we'll be hanging out tomorrow.
I love meeting new people but i don't go out much anymore so i hardly meet new people. The group i went out with from school are gonna rectify that by dragging my behind out....we'll see.
THANK YOU to everyone who sent me kind emails and kind words and thoughts and prayers and pick me ups and everything. I love you guys and appreciate you so much.
My immediate support circle (family etc) is somewhat lacking so its wonderful when i can pour myself onto this page and have you respond like you do.
Thank you internet:)
(um does this make me pathetic?)
Well i've just had a shower and i am about to jump into bed with a trashy girly magazine. I haven't read a glossy girly in forever.
Now...after all the life advice and school advice...how the hell do i get rid of the hangover i KNOW i'm gonna have tomorrow?

Oh and...

2005-08-08T00:41:00.000-04:00

You're obviously not gonna have any new posts till exams are over and i've slept.
The exam will be done before midday on monday but we plan to go out to lunch and a movie after.
Yep. Dare us to make it to the movie...let alone THROUGH the movie!
Whatever though, because i convinced them that we should have sushi!
Score one for sushimama! Unagi here i come!
I have an interesting weeklong blogging series i'll start once i get back though, so you might wanna check back for it next week :)
Ciao dah-leenks!

i dont need no ejumucashun!

2005-08-08T00:24:00.000-04:00

Wish me luck or send some prayers if you're the praying kind!
I head into a full week of exams that will end on Monday the 15th.
I fully expect a choir of angels to descend when i step out of that exam room, thereby ending a school year of horror that began last october.
This year, i learned a lot, very little of it was coursework...

I learned ...
That trust is something earned and should not be given easily.
(again) that people are seldom what they seem and really nice people turn out to be not so nice.
To be more careful with my heart.
That i do know how to love so much it hurts.
That its okay to let people help...and that i DO have to let go sometimes, i'm NOT superwoman (who knew??!)
To change the powersupply in my computer!
(er i just learned that hitting ctrl and s doesn't save this document it posts it! oopth!)
Moving on ..
I learned...
To put myself first (finally but i'm sure i'll forget again)
To keep my trap shut (if you don't have anything good to say...)
Subsequently i learned that silence is loud.
I learned
That people will do and say anything to justify their (wrong) actions.
that people in my class are in simlar positions meaning that they didn't particularly want to go to this school or choose this degree program.
That i am finally worth something.
All that from school! But where's the actual school related stuff?
Ah....i learned that i'm still a procrastinator
I hate MY school/degree program ( non switchable)
The staff at my school....grrr if you can get fired for blogging about your job i should dam well be expelled for blogging about my school (i fuckin dare you)
That project management is quite interesting
That staying up for 5 days and typing for almost every minute of those 5 days gets you a thesis but loses you a boyfriend.

Nautical Nonsense

2005-08-04T15:38:00.000-04:00

The title of this post has little to do with the post itself, cept maybe to mention that the sketch was done for the masthead of a boating website in the works (sorta) to be launched way later this year.
(not a personal site of mine!)

As for the boy, i'm still missing him, but i go from missing him horribly to being a bit angry because today is a week since 'the hang up' and he has not contacted me.
Am going to let it be.
He knows what is what.
That said, I hate the fact that i still censor myself because people who know me 'in real life' read this blog.
Sometimes i really want to say something, but i don't because i know it'll be read by someone i might have to face. And fuck me if they really know what i'm thinkin!
So, if you read this, and you know me,
You should know by now that i'm always putting my foot in the mouth, i swear like a trucker/sailor (ooh look nautical reference!) and i'm trying to learn how to not give a fuck.
I don't want to care about what anyone thinks of me.
I don't want to not do things anymore because of what people will think.
I don't want to stifle me anymore because of what people will think.
I don't want to create 'expected' artwork anymore because of what people will think.
You hire me because you can't fuckin do it - so let me do what needs the doin!
People will think what the fuck they want to think , i'm not stopping anyone.
So,
fuck,
don't stop me.
I'm a spoonful of salt.
Swallow or move the fuck on.
Its once again ME time.
I hop off the ME bandwagon way too often.
I'm not promising i won't fall off but i'm back on right about now.
If ya don't like it you can suck on my perfectly pink pedicure.

IF Aging.

2005-08-04T02:24:00.000-04:00

Have not participated in illustration friday in weeks.
My thoughts on aging?
Toast to the good years....dah-leenk!:)

Little Drawing

2005-08-03T23:22:00.000-04:00

Just a cute little drawing to try picking myself up off the floor for a minute.
It reminded me of a plumeria flower. Its one of my faves and i adore the scent.
Yes, still missing him.

Trying

2005-08-03T16:28:00.000-04:00

To make sense of whats been going on.
To avoid my brother so i dont get my ass kicked or an appliance thrown at me
To stop missing my boyfriend
To study
Stop being on the verge of tears all the time
To figure a way out of this place before there's another coup
To live.
To NOT whine.

sad

2005-08-01T02:45:00.000-04:00

i really miss my boy.
sigh.

such a girl

2005-07-29T20:17:00.000-04:00

i've been trying to blog for over half hour.
I have no idea what to say.
I don't want to blog i don't want to do much of anything.
I could smack myself for being such a girl.

thinking.

2005-07-29T00:38:00.000-04:00

If difficulty helps us grow...

i should be 100 x infinity by now.

sigh.

2005-07-29T00:23:00.000-04:00

Pod Theory

2005-07-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

Some sort of beginning.
Be it a hair follicle, the reproductive center of a flower or perhaps a hole in the ground.
Something is going to grow, come out of this.
Thats my pod theory.
And i'm sticking to it.

Climbing butter hill in 100degree weather

2005-07-13T14:03:00.000-04:00

I'm sliding DOWNHILL
MAY DAY MAYDAY!
Nothing is moving today.
Nothing is workign today.
Somebody get me off this island.
Ever heard of island fever?
Yeah well i'm on fuckin life support.

You are here.

2005-07-13T14:01:00.000-04:00

This place is pretty echo-y

Going Bananas

2005-07-11T20:42:00.000-04:00

I attempted to boil some pasta for lunch.
On my first attempt i ran to the kitchen and put the water on, only to return 20 mins later to realise i turned the wrong burner on. I put the correct burner on and came back to work. Remembered the water an hour later ...it was just a couple millimeters away from the bottom of the pot and bubbling furiously. I added more water and attempted to boil it again. I was successful and threw the pasta into the boilin water. Couple spilled out- did not care. Returned a bit later to find the stray pasta on fire and grabbing at my pot with flame and soot.
It was a LONG TIME till lunch.
That's pretty much my frame of mind.
Help
Me.

Art Snob. Aren't we all?

2005-07-08T12:07:00.000-04:00

I started my artshow quest yesterday, by speaking to someone referred to by a friend. She was quite nice and tried to be helpful. She put me on to her friend who is somewhat of an art broker. This broker exhibits at malls primarily...and i don't know that i'm quite ready to have people walk past my pieces in a mall, and have me be within earshot of these comments. Don't know that my stomach could take it.
What's the difference between that and a gallery? At a gallery you get a smaller, more intimate and knowledgable crowd. People who are there for the artwork, not to get a midriff top and a bakeware set.
I also am torn, because it may be more nerve wracking to be around art connoiseurs. Who the hell gives anyone authority to comment on my personal expression anyways? Quit talking about my brush stroke and my use of color. What business of yours is that??!! I hold the brush like that just because i'm left handed and prefer holding it like a pen - i have more control that way. I chose that color because, well, fuck me if i'm wrong but the orchid i painted was purple! I don't exercise much artistic lisence with still life. Sometimes it is what it is. This all sounds like i'm not ready, but i am. I don't think those inner comments or questions will ever go away.
Something that lady said to me yesterday, struck a chord. I told her that i was just getting into exhibiting my work, and was looking into ways of going about that. She said i could try one of the art shops/galleries and called out a big named one. She immediately recinded and said she didn't know the quality and level of my work and if it would be accepted. Quality. Level. Not referring to materials and tools. But referring to my actual work and how valid it is, or would be here. Is it a pretentious caribbean watercolor? Muted of course, brights are too ethnic. Which, admittedly most of my watercolors are. Expected, unadventurous but pretty and well executed. My early watercolor influences were the things i saw at those gallery/stores and that of my first art teacher - who was very good at painting pretentious, accepted, muted,non ethnic caribbean watercolor. Its stayed with me though the likes of Georgia O' Keefe and Cezanne have gotten their claws on me from time to time. My nature based watercolors are often likened to Georgia O' Keefe which is the hugest compliment because i adore her work. I've been afraid of larger canvasses but have two in the works for later this year. Yes, Georgia inspired.
People will always respond to what they know, but largely here, the unfamiliar is rejected. They may nod and smile, but tiptoe gingerly around it and stick to what they know. I think this is probably why i haven't been able to shirk my early influences. I have tried incorporating it with newer influences, successfully, but i always return to the beginning. I return to what i know.
I wrote before on struggling to stick with a newer style and method. Being tempted back into reverse watercolor and my old techniques. I think instead of letting the battle continue i should let them both onto one canvas again. To procreate.

Perspective alert.

2005-07-06T20:57:00.000-04:00

Wanted to blog earlier but flickr wouldn't let me. This picture and this post reflects 'another perspective'. Life is very interesting viewed hanging upside down off a monkey bar. I felt like that's how i was seeing life the past couple months. Rediscovering old things and finding a whole new way of looking at them - appreciating them that much more. The real world flipped me back up and now i'm giddy from the headrush. Life from the perspective of the headrush is good. Quite colorful and sometimes a bit blurred. But there's a rush of blood and energy that makes me want to leap. I've shared my artwork with the world (physically) once. It was quite possibly the most nerve wracking experience and i wanted to do it again, but i got sucked into a vaccuum of negativity and fear there i hid. I think i'm almost ready to do it again, i am a bit more confident about my work and definitely a lot more passionate. I don't quite think i'm at the point of confidence to be able to let negative comments slide, but i think i'm willing to open myself up to whatever is out there.

Freelance Designer Disaster Soup

2005-07-04T10:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to apologise for not blogging as much dear internet. Its not that i haven't wanted to, really. I love you guys.
I was just a smidge overwhelmed with (school)work - and not wanting to do said (school)work.
I was on a roll with my freelance stuff. Knowing exactly what i wanted this to look like - minimal experimenting - quick turnout of projects. I got that feeling i get when i'm on target and oh so pleased - tickled pink even by these designs.Several times i thought to myself - oh yea! You're back!WOO HA!
This particular client has been a PITA for the past four years but i catered to his every whim and created designs he was almost always happy with instantly. The only real changes were copy changes. Copy he wrote. He was my very first freelance client ever, and i was obviously very green when i took on his account (which was my only account for a while because i honestly thought i couldn't design myself out of a hole). Based on that experience, here’s my tried and true recipe for Inexperienced Freelance Designer Disaster Soup. Try to acquire the least amount of these ingredients and you’ll still make quite a lot of soup.

Ingredients
1 inexperienced designer
1 blood sucking, picky, confused miser client
No rules/guidelines
No business plan
No fee structure
No local freelance designer friends/colleagues
Not thinking to research freelance tips etc because they wouldn’t apply locally (bah!)
Too much time on one design (try weeks for something that should ideally be overnight)
Too many mockups/choices
Self doubt (especially in creative and business abilities)
1 uninspiring office/bedroom
1 bad attitude (mine)
Hot temper (for rising)
PMS
A lot of demands/commands (for flavor-careful it may be bitter)

Method.

Add these together and stir well to ensure maximum dizziness. Incorporate bad tempers, mood swings, pms, client tempers and demands, continue to mix thoroughly in hot bland bedroom/office.
Cook in hot office till bad attitude rises.
Throw in conflict created by rising bad attitude and Cook again.
Repeat entire process using each different mockup created.
Remove from hot office and garnish with a slow coming payment that would make a middle eastern child laborer shake their heads in pity.

Back to our story….

I’ve wanted to cut this client loose for maybe 4 out of those 4 years …yeah.
But I didn’t, for the sake of experience and money.
I should mention that I’ve created all of the artwork for something. Then parts for other things because ‘they found someone cheaper’. I’m sure they re use toilet paper too.
This time around, I was given the entire project. It was a very (impossibly) short timeframe to complete the work as a) he wanted it much earlier than I thought and b) I have stopped taking on projects because I need this entire month for school related work.
We’re very casual with each other (usual nature of business here and STUPID MISTAKE) so he knew that I was swamped with schoolwork (we commiserate because he’s trying to do a degree too). He wanted everything within days, so I completed it.
Whilst asking for more info on one of the last 2 pieces, he informed me that everyone hated the design. The design we discussed and he approved (no contract just word of mouth BIG MISTAKE). I told him that I would not be able to redo it because of my schedule. I also asked that he pay for what I’d already done. I gave him a generous discount for the inconvenience, but I had already spent my time and resources creating the artwork. I don’t think I was wrong in asking for payment, though I doubted it as soon as I asked him to pay. He agreed to pay (after bartering). I remained shaky throughout the evening, prompting the design you see above. Scarlet stamps on my head. I talked to some designers I know and other people whose opinions I trust. They all agreed with my asking the client to pay me for work I’d already completed and declining to design a redo. I just couldn’t sacrifice the two days it would take to re create it all.
I slept on it and I’m okay with my decision this morning.
I actually made a decision. Wowza!
The darling boyfriend’s first reaction – well, after the expletives, was that I AM a good designer and shouldn’t let one incident shake that (honey I doubt my creative ability daily and I know you do too) but I understand what he was getting at. I could allow it to stir my feelings a bit, but not cause me to stop (like it would have couple years ago). He also said that I could and should take something positive from it. I did. My load is lightened, affording time for me to stick a blog entry in ;), I think I can remove that client from my list (though he asked about being able to call on me in the future and I didn’t exactly say no, but if and when the time comes I will be careful.) I’ve learned the hard way what I already really knew – I need structure. AND – I MADE A DECISION AND STUCK TO IT! Even though I needed reassurance from several people, I made the decision.
Here’s to learning experiences and a fabulous career. With a smidge more structure.

God's wink

2005-06-28T18:59:00.000-04:00

I was thinking on the topic of being able to be objective in your life. In regards to taking stock and making decisions. That infamous cautionary note from the car side mirror popped into my head, and since I’m on a pink double dot binge at the moment, I created that image -only I changed the wording a little bit.
It is easy to look at someone's life and make judgements,opnions, offer advice, romanticize and offer to be a bandaid or salve.
It is also possible to help someone look objectively at a situation and to be able to dissect such with the precision of a much practiced surgeon.
When it comes to looking inward, however, this is a most elusive skill to most. Myself most definitely included.
As Lao Tzu says:

Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.

I am sometimes strong but I lack true power. I know I am capable of seeing beyond what I want to see - to what is there. I think this might very well be an artist's quality to be able to appreciate and understand our perspective, but also to adhere to the integrity of something.

I can look at someone and think - a couple crunches would get her stomach into top shape. She's not all that fat why won't she take the 3 weeks it will take to sculpt her some abs - I’m hopeless it will take years if at all - but her! She can have it and have it quickly.
OR
Look at him holding onto that skenk. Can't even call her a woman. Is he really that desperate for it?
OR
Why won't she break up with him she KNOWS he's no good is she that desperate to have a man
OR
Good lord sista you don't need that steak - have a salad.
OR
Bla Bla Bla - you get the idea.

It’s easy to judge. We hate BEING judged. But it happens and we are guilty of it all the time.
I sometimes realize in the moment that I’m doing it and quickly try to think the opposite or put myself in their shoes in the hopes of regaining the karma. Even though it’s a step in the right direction – being aware – not taking it back, I still judge way too much, way too often.

When it comes to myself, I couldn’t decide between using two twenty five cent pieces or four ten cent pieces and two five cent pieces – THAT’S how bad my indecision is.
I beg and plead with myself constantly to bite the bullet and just do it. And I do. But not without ‘what iffing’ myself to death.

I’m tired of twixt and ‘tween I want decisiveness I want to own things. Myself first, then my decisions, choices and all that goes with that. I want to have direction. I want to be more. I want to mean what I say, say what I mean and more than that, to DO what I say.
I can’t begin to count the many times I’ve let myself and others down because of things I promised or things I meant to do. For years I’ve wanted to do things such as a patio furniture line, sell my paintings, create accessories, try new things, learn new things, become a better designer and have a better design career. I’m still mediocre in everything, and I think this is because I choose to be. I don’t think I’m worthy enough or worthy at all so I stay where I’m placed. I live breathe eat and sleep the hole I was placed in. I didn’t spread roots and stretch to the sun. I stayed in the dark,
waiting,
waiting,
waiting.
I just glanced outside and as I did, lightning flashed. I take this as a sign. God’s wink.
Instead of judging and ‘fixing’ other people, I want to judge and fix me. Figure out where I am and where I want to be along with how to get there. I need to realize and value my worth and the contribution I can and DO make in my own way, to the world. People tell me all the time that I am beautiful inside and out, I’m likable, I’m a good person. I want to believe these things but several events in my life have lead to my not wanting to or not being able to. I am the grown up now. I have to heal myself in order to one day (soon) be whole and good not only for me but for whoever I choose to spend my life with and the children who will depend on me to help shape them and help fit them into the world.

Il Gioelli

2005-06-25T15:53:00.000-04:00

My sister's bracelet.

The color is funny i couldn't get it to photograph well.

Being young is so fucking AWESOME.

2005-06-24T20:29:00.000-04:00

Wow.I'm young.
I forgot about that. I say it, but it didn't hit me till just now. This girl, on her blog, under a photo stream and a great story typed 'God, being young is so fucking awesome.'
Fuckin ay! I've forgotten how to BE YOUNG.
I identify more with homemakers who have kids. I recently bumped into a college kid online and immediately thought 'oh, well...what am i gonna say to her' whereas i can talk recipes and housecleaning tips and even parenting (ideas on since i'm not yet a parent) like a mofo.
So my 17 year old self is saying to my 24 year old self right now -' YO WHAT THE FUCK??!'
But i'm not 17 anymore. I'm 'grown up' and i want different things. I like stability (how much of it i have anyways) I sort of miss the pink hair and not caring about laundry, but i think i've done well adjusting. Sometimes my 17 year old brat rears her pink haired head and says 'hey ol fogie, how bout that tongue ring? c'mon what happened to the manic panic posterchild?' And i sit back, reminisce, but realise that i like it like it is. I could be a little more adventurous and go out and have more fun, but the current crime rampage here is a major deterrent of fun. That and making up for the years i slacked off my career plans. I like my 24 year old self, but she's definitely not what my 17 year old self had in mind. But yea....i could act young a bit more often.

le mie scuse...

2005-06-23T21:30:00.000-04:00

for not blogging as often as i usually do. I promise i didn't run away. I was just a weeeeee bit busy.
Bracelet for sister - completed. Pics to come. Design? Totally changed!

Coupla things!

2005-06-21T18:01:00.000-04:00

Found this here Blackcurrantjam (great blog!)

What's one word or phrase that you use a lot?

Fuck

Name something you always seem to put off until the last minute.

Anything i ABSOLUTELY HAVE to do. I only do things i WANT to do (that are so unimportant) willingly and in a timely manner.

What was the last great bumper sticker you saw?

Honk if you love cock.

If you could be invisible for one day, how would you spend your time?

naked

Describe your hair.

A disaster at the moment.

WARNING: this mother fucking post is not for the faint of fucking heart.

2005-06-21T13:59:00.000-04:00

Its MY fucking blog (how many times a bitch gotta say that?)
I'm in a really bad fucking mood so i'm gonna fuckin write about it.
If you have a problem with it - kiss my ass.
The bracelet i mentioned what...yesterday? Fuckit - its too fuckin hot in hell to work with clay. Its sticking to EVERYTHING including me and making a giant mess- can't sculpt anything.
Wonderful huh.
I couldn't knit my ass out of a corner, i dont feel like fuckin sittin here to do any work.
I'm so goddamned mother fucking agitated.
Its HOT
i'm ANNOYED
now fuck off
don't you have anything better to do ???

Shrinking of the creative kind

2005-06-20T12:30:00.000-04:00

I've not blogged in a couple days - what's wrong with me!?
I've been harrassed - so i'm blogging.
I'm having a lovely day of art therapy. I will be designing and making a bracelet for my sister for her trip to Spain. She is really stepping outside of her comfort zone for this one. This is SO inspiring - but i need to remind her to have faith when she's scared or nervous so i'm making a bracelet that when you turn the top beads over it spells faith. It will be her little piece of strength and home to hold on to.
Bon Voyage!
Back to the jewelry making and yes, i will post pics.

Illustration Friday 16/6

2005-06-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

Though i joined Illustration Friday MONTHS ago - this is my first submission.Ah the beauty of DSL. Why an orange? It's summery! Juicy,happy,orange,pure,refreshing vitaminy goodness:)
Enjoy ya summa!
(not a preset and lookit me!! 3 posts in one day oohie!)

There are chickens in the trees?

2005-06-16T16:12:00.000-04:00

Nope - a fish in the bushes!
I just think this is hi la ri ous!
I SLAY me!!
Hope it makes you giggle some mindless happy pink giggles!

let me have my fun - i am!:)

2005-06-16T16:10:00.000-04:00

I know i'm not a preset kinda girl.
But it takes the pressure off, lets me have a little fun AND helps me be creative when there's no energy to open the idea box or pull out my paints.
Love life. Love you.
You ALL are BIG to me.

Casa di amore

2005-06-15T23:58:00.000-04:00

I'm just having fun creating these little, cute messages! I'm rediscovering the glory of illustrator - which i'd long given up for the wonder of photoshop. I'm not playing sides anymore, i'm allowing the marriage of talent,art,expression,design and techology to meld pornographically on my screen.
I'm an equal opportunity designer!:)

Timeout.

2005-06-14T20:01:00.000-04:00

Whatever you are doing right at this moment.
Stop.
Think.
Is it fulfilling you? Frustrating you?
Do you HAVE to do it? How do you feel about it?
If your task is stressing you, stop, breathe.
Breathe again.
Sometimes we need to stop and re focus on our task.
We sit there and stew, making it that much worse.
Put your task where it belongs. In order of priority.
Put it into the drawer or file of your life to which it belongs.
Do not give to it energy which is not required.
React appropriately, deal with it and then file it away.
Continue.
When you are muddled again.
Stop.
Breathe.
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.

You know school is a pain when:

2005-06-13T20:56:00.000-04:00

In a meeting with the very straight laced, conservative VICE PRESIDENT of your best freelance gig company, who is spewing about the grandeur of technology,
Out of your mouth comes tumbling 'technology blows monkey cock'.
His response?
One more year and you'll be done with school.

Live STRONG, Live LIGHT.

2005-06-12T11:48:00.000-04:00

Today he would have been 62.
My favorite uncle who died two years ago of lung cancer.
He fought well considering how much his disease had progressed before he knew about it.
The last time i spoke to him he cracked his usual jokes.
Retarded,stale but his delivery and how he cracked himself up was always what got you laughing.
The way he viewed life was to never take anything seriously.
He didn't have much money, didn't own much, but he made countless people laugh. That indeed, was his mark.
I never, in the 22 years that i knew him, saw him frown or had anything but a smile on his face.
What it was hiding i never knew, but his ability to put things away and laugh about it was pretty amazing.
He was the life of the party.
Whenever you asked him how he was, he would answer with a standard weather report.
" Fair to fine with a few scattered showers"
I sat outside the church while inside he lay in a wooden box, and i thought to myself how funny that this is the exact day he got for his funeral.
The sky joined us in weeping on his open grave.
I'm not one for funerals, so i sat outside the entire time. Never saw the coffin, never saw him.
Late to the gravesite i heard some prayers and words mumbled, through tears i saw nothing.
Stumbling to the actual mound of fresh earth, i wondered how everyone could walk away when my uncle was in a box, under there, he can't breathe and he's lonely.
Come back!!!!!
DIG HIM UP!!!!!!!
Heartless sons of bitches come back!!!!!
I must have thought of him being in the ground forever.
It bothered me, scared me, annoyed me and saddened me.
Thinking about it now, he would say something like ' I'm pushing up daisies...do you MIND!!!?' and then crack himself up for a full five minutes.
Here's to pushing up daisies and a life of light and laughter uncle J!
I love you.

Oh and Dad, Happy Birthday, your second without your twin.
Don't feel incomplete. He's here. Always.

If i should die...

2005-06-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

Talking about the crime rate here with my friend mikey, i decide to tell him this:

Tazo says:
if i die while trying to finish school
Tazo says:
tell ppl my story

Tazo says:
make them follow their hearts regardless of how much money and effort they put into something already

And he responded:

Cav says:
if anything short of glory happens to you in life I'll put a bullet in god myself

To which i responded (after gasping audibly)

Tazo says:
thats it
Tazo says:
hold on
Tazo says:
i'm writing you down on my friend for life list

Cav says:
ok quit being gay

This is one of the MANY reasons we keep Mikey.

You're my NY!

Rules For Leaf Turning

2005-06-09T16:48:00.000-04:00

I got permission from this lovely lady
Angela Giles Klocke
to reproduce her wonderful rules for leaf turning.
I plan to follow these - one at a time.
Thank you Angela!!

1 - Treat yourself as well as you treat others.

2 - No more verbal self-bashing.

3 - No more negative thoughts about self.

4 - Allowing the voices of the past to stop you from moving forward is not allowed.

5 - Smile more at yourself. Find a mirror daily and smile.

6 - Stop seeing the negative in your work. Look for the positive.

7 - Stop comparing your work to others. We all are beginners when we begin.

8 - No more procrastinating allowed. Do it, and do it now. Stop with the planning and get with the DOING!

9 - Fear is OK…for a minute. Allow the fear to come on in, feel it, and then let it go.

10 - Never settle again. You want the world, so take it. There’s enough to go around.

How to piss me off

2005-06-09T16:44:00.000-04:00

AAAALLLLRIGHTYYYY
Serivce men / repair men are the world's joke on kris.
So the two idiots from yesterday's post showed up today.
When?
Oh just in time to interrupt me totally - like make me miss oprah and a meeting.
My shit works. Supposedly.
So they came they conquered and they left.
Scuse me while i go do laundry in my underwear.

Men be gone

2005-06-09T00:38:00.000-04:00

There are two men who need desperately to quit coming back to my house. They need to remove themselves entirely from my present existence but not without finishing their tasks.
One, i know, will stretch his task till at least october. The other, possibly the weekend.
This man adores fucking my weekend royally.
He knows how anal i am about my kitchen floor and makes extra sure that he makes a giant mess with his colossal paint splattered boots.
He also needs to hurry up and fix my washer or i'll be walkin around in nothin but skivvies.
The other asstastic S.O.B is my old computer repair guy who i'm tied to by the legalities of my varying waranties. Just when i thought i'd NEVER have to deal with him again, my memory decided to die and as soon as he replaces it i will be tied to him for another three years.(he's fired but doesn't know it - replacements because of warranty ,sure. Repairs.Fuck no.)
He also needs to replace my monitor - AGAIN and better not stick me with a 15 inch relic for months on end like the last time. But oh no, the last time this girl was a jaded firstime home owner (manager) who let repair people walk all over her knowing full well she couldn't do the service herself. Well no more ms nice gal. I will be placing phonecalls to these dried up nutsacs in the morning and will let them each create their days around the piece of mind that i will impart onto their ever knowing, molasses thickened souls.
Quit fuckin wit me and fix my shit.

Will the real Pixelated please stand up.

2005-06-08T11:07:00.000-04:00

No longer do I want to make excuses for myself.
The life I’ve had is the life I’ve had. Bad things happened, good things happened.
The bad things were huge things, but they are my cards to play.
For years I sat around and stared at the cards lamenting over how horrid my hand was.
I couldn’t possibly play. I feel like I’m my own opponent and I can’t play unless, well, I play. I can’t move until I choose to. I’m in this game with myself.
So I am going to play. I know I will get down about my cards again but I will figure out plays that will move the game along.
I have floundered along for years not seeing myself, not realizing and fulfilling my passions and my desires. I, for a long time, chose not to know myself.
I was not worth it. Created someone outside of myself that I could believe I was.
This girl was interesting, talkative, funny, half smart, witty and kind. She covered me like a second skin. I ballooned her up so I’d have extra cushioning. If she started feeling things I would feed her to shut her up. Adding more protective layers.
Slowly I began to show through like some warp bodied nutty professor character and we melded. I didn’t know where I ended and she began. Now, 24 years into my journey I attempt to uncover myself. The real me.
There are things I know and things I’m not sure of. Things I like and things I definitely don’t.
Here’s to true, authentic self and embarking on my journey.

Addendum (11 mins later)
(not like i have to justify myself on this here blog or nuthin)
BUT

I've spewed some of the abovementioned before, what's different this time?
Ah dunno.
Something is - just can't put my finger on it.

I do know i'll have really bad moments where i'll forget that i have a spine.
Luckily somewhere inside me something always tells me to hold on - no matter WHAT is spewing out of my mouth.

sweet mother of illusions

2005-06-06T19:52:00.000-04:00

You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

This won't work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to deside between servival and bliss
Now I know who I'm not
I don't I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victom

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends

Alanis Morisette

So much echoing, resounding today.
Craving healing and strength.
Stomach churning, brain racing.
Trying to stay present and focused.
Centered.
Hard day today trying to hold it together.
Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on soap with wet feet.
Climbing a golden butter hill
I am strong, worthy, determined, blessed, empowered and sound.
I am healthy, wise, brave,fearless.
I remind myself of these things, willing it to be so.
Today was one of many.
Its almost over and I’ve held my ground.
Tomorrow will be taken care of when its here.
It is not guaranteed.
Looking ahead is healthy.
Living now is divine.

Graveyard of the past.

2005-06-05T22:00:00.000-04:00

Standing in the graveyard of my old life.
I look at the markers.
There’s one for you though you continue to rise.
Consuming me, winding your wisplike structure around my ankles.
Tripping me up , getting in my way.
I bury you and yet you rise.
What will it take to make you go away?
I try to move beyond this place
You won’t let me
I try to open the gate
You bolt it
You follow me
Taken the place of my shadow
Nowhere I go without you
You are there in the dark, though I can’t see
You are there in the light, taunting me.
You do not exist in my dreams
Or within my realm of talent
Or the good in my life.
Only the old, the familiar, the dire.
Well, I have news for you.
I embrace the new, the unknown, the good, the positive
My future is bright
Without you

Happy Circles

2005-06-04T23:45:00.000-04:00

Tired
As close to happy as i've been in forever
Taking that feeling to bed.
Feeling only that. Caring about only that.
Just for a little bit.
me
me
me
ME DAMMIT.

doodle

2005-06-02T22:53:00.000-04:00

just a tiny sketch (its much tinier in my sketchbook) its a piece of an image.

Embracing the difference.

2005-06-02T00:17:00.000-04:00

I'm back with a new look.
You like?
I'm not sure i do, so we'll see if i change it again. I've removed google ads and search ( may return at some point)
I also can't figure why half my links over there --->
are blue and some are grey...the code looks fine to me.
Glad to be back.
Now you can stop harrassing me!
My lovely comments are all gone! I was devastated for a bit then i realised that this change is about new growth, looking ahead and a bright future. Out with the old.
Whilst some of those comments were quite dear to me and were so positive and loving - all sorts of yummy - some were empty words shrouded innegative energy that i have chosen not to acknowledge anymore. The loss of my comments eradicates the negative and leaves room for new, positive energy and love.
This is a new path. A bright one with many colorful stops along the way.
Hop on.

Blogging Hiatus

2005-05-05T16:56:00.000-04:00

I shouldn't be out of my mind for longer than 3-5 days.
Need the break to re think some things and decidedly change the
down vibe of this blog.

Thanks for your patience.

i'm here

2005-05-02T00:39:00.000-04:00

i'm around.
i'm just afraid to blog.
i really am.

Save the drama for yo mama

2005-04-28T14:18:00.000-04:00

Heard(read) that phrase on another blog years ago.
Its so absolutely true.
Could yesterday's post BE filled with any more drama?
Highly unlikely unless i confessed to being pregnant by my alien lover and am moving to another planet entirely because my family just wouldn't be able to accept our green tentacled child.
Alien child nonwithstanding, i have been feeling like an ice cream cone in december.
Not so appealing and somewhat strange.
I get into these moods (usually triggered by some unfortunate event)
That sucks me into a hole and makes me listen to awful awful things about myself.
At my core I know they’re not entirely true but I have trouble learning and remembering who I am and knowing that who I am today is definitely not who I was several yesterdays ago.
I’m a bit tired of all this self analyzing bullshit, I just wish I could blank it out sometimes, not question everything and need to know why.
I wish I could tell myself ‘just because’, but like an insatiable two year old I ‘why’ myself to death.
I love learning about myself and what makes me tick. But I hate feeling stuck like I have been this week.

It happens when I :
a) follow the crowd
b) stop creating
c) forget to pray
d) take life for granted.

So I guess I know what I need to do.
Imbalance is natural and I have to keep recalibrating my life but I’m not giving up. I don’t want to. It’s too easy – and since when have I ever taken the easy road?

Middle of Nowhere

2005-04-27T15:28:00.000-04:00

We lie to ourselves daily.
We say this is temporary and we're trying to get out
We will change our job/partner/location/life
We won't
But it sure sounds nice to say those things, to delude ourselves.
Fast forward a couple years and we will be in exactly the same place telling ourselves the same exact lies.
Stop lying to yourself
Accept that this steaming dungpile is your life
Will always be your life.
Do something drastic.
Take some sort of step.

k i admit....

2005-04-23T22:04:00.000-04:00

That i don't have a clue (about anything)
I have no idea how to make a relationship work
I am no place in life.
I have no direction
I am going to a school i hate for a degree i hate even more and never plan on using.
I am incapable of eating well.
I seem to not be able to shake a leg
Did i mention i'm fucking incompetent when it comes to being in a relationship?
I try to be a good friend but i'm not.
I think i'm too self absorbed
I can't manage my house anymore its all falling apart
I don't want to do any of this anymore
I want a new life
Somewhere else
With nobody around.
I need witness protection for someone who's not a witness but who needs desperately to be protected - from herself.

On admitting to being in love.

2005-04-20T03:07:00.000-04:00

I almost shook while writing my previous post.
Instinctively i wanted to censor myself.
His sister reads my blog (not that she hasn't figured us out already)
Some of my friends, who i probably could never be able to make understand our situation also read, along with people i've had previous relationships with.
'The situation' does not involve anything immoral or illegal -fyi.
Just unorthodox circumstances.
I re wrote several sentences. I wanted to let it all out but i held myself back a little.
The questioning and uncertainty i was 100% honest about. But i was extremely scared to admit how deep my feelings really are and how happy i really am.
Whilst writing the post i had judgmental voices in my head stabbing at me with every question or comment possible about every word i wrote.
I know 90% of it was in my head. But quite like a lot of my suppressed thoughts, many will bite their tongues in response to what i've said.
I was so timid about typing the words ' i am happy' as though professing it would make it disappear.
I've refrained from blogging about him for some months, simply because i figured he would be so long gone by now that his presence in my life would seem as though he were only a figment of my imagination. That, or by blogging, he'd disappear.
I've also been afraid to blog because i came out of retirement once before - we know how well that went.
I'm scared about having this turn into a disaster and i'm scared to leap.
But this time, i've looked.
It may or may not work but it's a gamble we take.
That saying ' Love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one's watching'
The latter is achievable with the tipple of your choice but there's nothing to distract your heart from remembering past pain.
I'm trying to walk this route again, though it seems new and there will be different obstacles, i hope i've learned from past journeys and can go the distance this time.

The wounds i have sustained
The scars i have earned
The wisdom i have gained
Validates who i am
And determines who i will be.

On being in love.

2005-04-20T02:00:00.001-04:00

I wish i wasn't such a relationship idiot.
I wish despite the many things that fill my day that i don't get around to thinking so much of the what if's and the could be's.
Things aren't perfect, they won't ever be.
Some level of perfect, sure.
But that minute will end and with the coming minute,chaos or some imbalance of nature.
I think about things that could be or should be different.
Instead of accepting it as it is, in my mind, I question. Then I approach.
I tell him that this isn’t working one hundred percent.
I tell him what I think, I tell him what it could be, how I feel,what I know. What I THINK I know.
I share my insecurities I share my fears. I share my ideals and my visions.
I spend so much time focusing on it all, fixing what isn’t broken.
That I virtually forget the present. I am not able to relax and enjoy it for what it is.
I claim to, but I don’t really.
How much is too much to share, I don’t know. How much should I keep inside. Should I keep any inside?
Is this how the end begins? Festering emotion,thoughts,questions unspoken
Go unanswered, unaddressed.
Or by asking and addressing, by confessing by admitting, does it weaken or strengthen a relationship?
I think with every issue I bring forth, be it a big one or a little one, that I am chipping away slowly at a new foundation which has yet to be set. Or am I doing what I intend to, which is strengthening it and creating bonds?
Where do I go for answers? How will I know what’s right? How do I make this work.
Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? These questions, this uncertainty?
Each disagreement,I offer myself up. I offer to bow out gracefully while ignoring the pain. If it’s best for him, who cares what it will mean for me. I offer, not wanting to back down and end it. But somehow hoping he’ll bite and I won’t have to worry about these things anymore.
These stupid thoughts that steal my sleep and furrow my brows.
I don't by any means want it over when it's barely begun.
I want the questions to subside and i want to be able to experience this for everything that it is.
Don't get me wrong, despite my revolving, high speed thoughts, it is wonderful.
Gosh it IS wonderful!
It is themesong,running through a field of daises, cheek stretching,eye twinkling,giddyhappy,peanut butter and jelly, graduation day good.
Despite the paranoia and the fear of disaster striking (again) I AM happy.

Habemus Papam

2005-04-19T13:37:00.000-04:00

Dam - the 19th and i'm just now posting.
Life is getting skidaddled again i must reign it in.
Still somewhat off the wagon - trying desperately to grab at a piece of straw hanging off a bale of hay ...dammit! i WILL do this.
I can do ANYTHNG.
I'm supergirl remember?!
School is really unbelievably boring.
One of these days i'll stick pins in my ass a) to wake up b) for stimulation.
My lecturers are incredibly not dynamic.
Their delivery styles are remarkably dull and uninspired.
We have a whole friggin country full of fed up, uninspired, underpaid, undermotivated, petrified people who only know how to party. If they would spend less time with the party mentality we might have some sort of country.
This is life! It's to be lived!
Not existed!!!(or chugged thru a bottle of Johnny)
Rant over.
We have a pope.
Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger became Pope Benedict the xvi today.
He is known apparently to be a great listener and staunchly conservative.
It was a really quick decision and let's hope a good one.
He's adorable if i do say so myself. Not cuter than John Paul though i just wanted to put him in my pocket he was so adorable!
Ok enough about putting the pope in my pocket.
Its coffee time.

Grabbing life by the balls?

2005-04-15T13:25:00.000-04:00

I had a bit of a 2 day falling off the wagon in terms of my lifestyle change
and about a 3.5 month falling off the wagon with new year resolutions.
I can't expect to change everything i want to change all at once and not have it all come crashing down before i can blink twice.
These are habits and thoughts and ways that i've had with me for the past 24 years.
I can't just shrug them off- shrug me off in 5 minutes of wishing and praying and hoping.
My writing has been stale at best and my posts (like yesterday’s) have been nothing substantial at all. I’ve been doing some thinking but mostly some avoiding.
I’m getting quite good at shirking and avoiding.
I’m at a crossroads of nowhere and whatdoidoaboutit.
I need some sort of direction. I need to remove old labels and think up new ideas.
I want to do something along the lines of selling my artwork and crafts – but is that enough?
I’ve decided to stop existing and make me a budget. I spend as it comes and I can’t do that anymore. I have responsibilities and I need to watch out for rainy days.
Its time I have solid lists that turn into timetables because time isn’t waiting for me and 8 years was enough to wander aimlessly.
I hate this business of being adult but maybe I can balance it with some fun.
This was a boring post but I’m not in a laughing fun mood. I gotta get to business and I gotta do it N O W.
Question being : Do I have the balls to grab life by the balls?

Survey post.(shutup)

2005-04-14T18:53:00.000-04:00

1. Full name: Kris ---------

2. Were you named after anyone? A bitch from the tv show Dallas (appropriate don’tchathink- I do!)

3. Do you wish on stars? Yup almost every night when I’m closing my window.

4. When did you last cry? This morning.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Yup I write awful perdy!My friend mikey says I have the handwriting of an artist awwww.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Don’t eat meat anymore but when I used to I liked turkey boobies.

7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yes i'm loyal and funny. I got issues but who doesn't!?

8. Are you a daredevil? Uhm….not really.

9. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Ug..yeah but generally I don’t!

10. Do looks matter? Yes. Lemme explain before u bite me. You have to look appropriate for a situation. My lecturers come to school looking like they’re still at home watching tv. I don’t CARE if its Saturday –dress professionally. You can be casual but look professional. Also, scruffy generally doesn’t cut it with me. Don’t look like you might smell.

11. How do you release anger? Writing or crying. I tend to lash out passive aggressively sometimes. That’s slowly stopping.

12. Where is your second home? Earth

13. Do you trust others easily? Nope. Not anymore.

14. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbie definitely. I was the quintessential girly girl. Ok maybe Barbie’s house – yeah.. See I was always decorating it and cleaning it – yea i’ve got issues and had ‘em a while!

15. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Erm..all of them?

16. Do you have a journal? Yep writing and art journals.

17. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Who me? Nahhh.

18. Favorite movies: A lot. But Under the Tuscan Sun and Love Actually I guess most. Oh and Angela’s Ashes.

19. What are your nicknames? Walla, Pookie, Mickey, Biznatch, Dollface, Whore. Kit.

20. Would you bungee jump? Fuck no.

21. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope lol. Are ya sposed ta?

22. Do you think that you are strong? I don’t but I guess I must be. I ain’t dead yet.

23. Favorite ice cream? Healthy Choice Chocolate Fudge Brownie (orgasmic)

24. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I talk too damned much.

25. Who do you miss most? Myself.

27. What color pants are you wearing? I’m not wearing pants. Only wear pants when I go out the house I am a pants hater.

28. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I’d be all the pink ones swirled into a marbleized color.

29. What is the weather like right now? Rainy whoo hoo!

30. Last person you talked to on the phone: Friend from school called me a little while ago

31. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes!

33. How Are You Today? Drained but optimistic

34. Favorite Drink? Whoa lord.

35. Favorite Sport? Um.

36. Hair Color? Brown with blonde highlights

37. Eye Color? Dark brown

38. Do you wear contacts? Yes and no. I do but I’m out. Grey ones next probably.

39. Favorite Food? Anything beginning with choco and ending in late.

40. Favorite pet? Mosquito

41. Favorite Day Of The Year? Last day of exams.
42. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy ending.

43. Summer Or winter? Winter. Summer is too damned hot.

44. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses. Hershey’s or Dolce’s :D

45. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Um.

48. Living Arrangements? Live with brother.

49. What's On Your Mouse Pad? No mousepad. Hate those things.

50. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Didn’t watch tv.

51. Favorite Smell? Cherry cupcake candle or Sparkling sugar stuff ooh and glade country garden mmm mmm mmm.

52. What's the furthest you've been from home? Here. Where I am.

Update of sorts.

2005-04-11T19:04:00.000-04:00

Life is good.
My poem from yesterday wasn't a reflection of my feelings right now, just sort of an epiphany of sorts.
It was when all the real drama started.
I'm back at school after spring break and this semester is already proving to be quite a...task.
5 classes with loads of work.
I am determined not to let my blogging lag but we all know how that goes.
My reason for not blogging a lot lately was simply that i blogged when blogger would let me.
I really have to remember to type posts in word to post at later dates.
Work is also picking up so i guess now's a good a time as any to work on my time management skills. Anyone have any tips/ideas?
Would be much appreciated!
Back to work but just letting you guys know i haven't fallen off the planet.

Back then...

2005-04-10T21:43:00.000-04:00

Hands over mouths
Shoulders hunched conspiratorially
Staring darting.
Jeering lauging
A difference of a few pounds
I never noticed.
Blind eyes
Seeing heart
They saw
They segregated
Human punchline
Odd girl out
Inside myself was safe
So I stayed
In this world you fake it to make it
Laughing and jokes
Kept eyes free of pain
Those with paints and brushes
Had an excuse to hide
Labeled now the artist
I hid too
In myself
Behind a canvas
Makeup and a drink
Carefully painted colors
Lids lips and cheeks
When did I begin to hate
What was underneath

blogger is full

2005-04-03T21:26:00.000-04:00

Blogger kept eating posts and not even letting me post for the past couple of days.
So pardon my lack of blogging.
I had a pretty good week,the Pope and Terri Schiavo non withstanding.
Worked my way up to a proper painting, past my art journaling.
It's definitely a different new style, but i quite like it.
This was such an eventful and sad week with the passing of both Terri and the Pope.
I considered not blogging about it because everyone and their uncle Jack has.
But i wanted to add my own two cents.
A feeding tube is not the same as a ventilator.
Removing a feeding tube = murder.
May that poor innocent woman rest in peace.
I have nothing to say about her husband.
As for the Pope, i'm somewhat ashamed to admit that i did not know that much about him.
My mom told me that he came here when i was 5 and she did not see him because they changed his route to the airport from one that would take him past her office window to one that did not.
I have heard somewhat mixed things about him in the past couple days. And my past relationship with catholicism didn't help.
I have promised myself to read his bio.
May he also rest in peace.

He said She said.

2005-03-28T23:48:00.000-04:00

I hate being put in awkward positions because of family.
Leave me out of it.
Fight amongst yourselves
i really don't care.
I love you all but i don't have to like you all the time.
Don't expect your sudden change in relationship with someone to influence my relationship with them.
Don't get angry when i'm indifferent.
Self preservation?Probably.
I do love you.

Great Easter Weekend

2005-03-27T23:55:00.000-04:00

I spent the weekend at my aunt's house with my fave cousins.
We laughed so much we sometimes couldn't breathe.
Stomping feet, screaming,thrashing around and gasping for air with squinted eyes and one hand on our tummies.
We laughed.
My aunt loves religious movies and adores the ones they have at easter.
Me? I'd rather you take my eyes out and hard boil them and perhaps dye them rather than watch.
But what choice did i have?
I was too lazy to get off the couch and was without a notebook to scribble or sketch in and i'd long since filled my memory card on my camera.
So i watched.
Wowza.
I found i quite liked it once i got past the muted, faded color of the film.
I understood.
I felt like an idiot. Thinking , hm, i couldn't figure it when i read the book (the bible) but the movie, i understood perfectly but i guess it was just like the first time i saw Julius Caesar after reading (trying to) the book.
I actually felt i could have a connection, a real one, that i never could before.
I never knew Jesus was someone you could love, always taught to fear.
God forbid you should do something wrong you might be smitten, which in my six year old mind meant i'd be struck by lightning on the spot.
I never thought that one could be forgiven and loved despite what one did if one was sorry enough and repented.
I just thought that i would be struck and cast aside.
So, I chose for years to pretend that God didn't exist.
Or rather, religion didn't exist.
However, i still prayed, go figure.
I guess part of me always wanted to hold on to the idea that there was a higher being who could, in fact, love me even if i was 'bad'.
He does.
I went to the store on saturday and bought myself a tiny notebook that i could chuck in my purse.
I felt a bit lost without writing or sketching.
I spent the rest of my time photographing my aunt's garden for later sketching/painting and talking to my cousin's grandma.
We also did a little bit of shopping and WAY too much eating.
It was a great weekend and i learned a lot while having fun.
I saw Bride and Prejudice today which made me laugh quite a bit.
Indian cliches are always totally hilarious, it was amplified by the east meets west theme of the movie.
Not Aish's best performance as her accent veered from english over to american and back noticably during the film.
Great easter weekend.
Much painting to be done after all that photographing.
Already completed one sketch of a cornflower blue flowering plant.
Oh and my cousin's dog tried to eat me.
Several times.
Once i fed it most of my subway crab salad sandwich instead.
Apparently the crab satiated it and it forgot about my juicy thighs and sizable ass.
If that's not an inscentive to lose weight - i dunno what is!

Oopsie Daisy

2005-03-27T18:54:00.000-04:00

I left without telling you. My apologies!
I wasn't here for a couple days but will post as soon as i get my act together again.

Fun Stuff

2005-03-22T23:21:00.000-04:00

Found this on a blog and thought it would be a fun change!

My Stuff

"My Stuff" (based on a recurring Vanity Fair feature):

Grooming Products

Shampoo -- Herbal Essences Rainforest something ...(i just call it orgasm shampoo)
Conditioner - Orgasm conditioner
Moisturizer -- Some indian thing,its very sandalwood smelling its good.
Cologne -- This is a toughy- i'm a cologne nut..i guess current fave is blumarineII by shaiparelli or Perry Ellis Portfolio for women.
Razor -- Venus, the original blue one..i want the new pink one!!
Toothpaste --OMG i am SO inlove with my toothpaste. Aquafresh Extreme- Run out and get this NOW.

Electronics

Cell phone -- Motorola v66i (currently inside my couch - don't ask)
Computer -- A clone that gives me agita.
Television -- My old college tv a 19" samsung - not gunning for anything bigger really. Suits me fine.
Stereo -- a Sharp brand something or the other

Home

Sheets --Different simple designs, monochromatic sheets. Soft and plush from Bed Bath and Beyond.
Coffee-maker -- Instant..i KNOW! soon to change though..a latte lover like myself should not be without a coffeemaker.
Car -- Fred flintstone mobile.
Stationery -- Post It stickies!

Beverages

Bottled water --from my brita filter.
Coffee -- Nescafe classic
Vodka -- Absolut. Had a lovely vodka on my last vacation but forgot the name.
Beer --Heineken or Corona

Clothes

Jeans -- Zana di
T-shirt -- quiksilver
Briefcase or tote -- Roxy or Levi (also been known to make my own)
Sneakers -- Nike,Sketchers,NewBalance (nikey..ugh sketchers cute and NB delightful)

Watch -- Am opposed to owning/wearing watches. It hinders my free spirit. Time is irrelevant.

Favorite Places

This is difficult. My bedroom,my office/studio, union square or pretty much most of manhattan but union square is uniquely mysterious. Also first place in the city i ever navigated on my own so i have a special bond with it :D. Anywhere with a great view, Anywhere near the water.

Necessary Extravagance

Hm...the only thing i can think of is my daily cafe con leche. I can't or rather, won't drink regular coffee. The cost is one thing but i don't think i can afford those calories anymore.

Super Antsy

2005-03-21T17:58:00.000-04:00

Don't quite have a particular theme or rant for this post but i need a distraction and have not blogged in a couple days.
I've also left my glasses on my bed where i was painting a couple minutes ago -curses..who's brilliant idea was it to move into such a mansion.
Ok fine its a tiny apartment and my bedroom isn't THAT far away but that would entail moving my ass off this chair (albeit uncomfortable dining chair turned office chair replacement cuz mine had enough of my fat behind last week)
I digress.
I’ve been sorely distracted all day. Tried to do some work but my brain kept running off every 1.2 seconds. Yeah..i’m stretching it with the .2
I swear I’m gonna have to tie my brain stem to a shoelace and the other end to my wrist like my mom used to with my helium balloons when I was younger because one of these days it’s going to float on right out of this hemisphere.
Not that I can blame it, I NEVER let it rest. I swear to God I have a miniature version of Dr Phil inside of my brain lately and he doesn’t shut the fuck up.
I’m constantly analyzing and over analyzing things more than I usually do.
It’s a phase, and it better stop soon or I’ll just HAVE to slap myself silly.
I’ve had one issue on my brain all day and it can only be resolved by a conversation that i’m just dying to have and get it over with. It may or may not be a big deal but I’ve spent all day hemming and hawing over it and I just want it to be done with.
It may involve a boy, don’t get excited, I’m still sorta retired considering the circumstances surrounding said possible boy. Like, perhaps, him being on a whole other continent entirely..not that I’m on a continent really but dammit you get my drift.
I’m getting super antsy..

Someday i'll swim in cleaner waters.

2005-03-19T01:26:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling lately like i don't really know anything anymore.
People i've known for a while, some even a very long time, suddenly seem like strangers to me. I feel like i never knew them or don't know them at all.
Makes me question what i do know or if i even know myself.
Its more than a little overwhelming.
I feel increasingly uncomfortable around people i know, i'm always questioning.
Always.
I'm almost never uncomfortable around people. I've been miss social director since i've known myself.
I don't understand this urge to pull away. I don't feel particularly depressed.
In fact, I strangely feel ok with it.
A friend told me that she thinks it's simply God preparing me for a change.
That excites me and scares the living daylights outta me.
What kind of change?
When's it going to happen?
What's going to happen?
How is it going to happen?
I do know that i can't continue living in the same way that i do. It frustrates me.
I am limited by the things i tell myself that i cannot do.
I truly believe that my surroundings account for a large part of this.
This island feels like a large stagnating pool of putrid dark moss.
It's sucking me under but i refuse to go. I know someday i'll swim in cleaner waters.

Fruit and Veggie Mania

2005-03-17T23:02:00.000-04:00

I walked through the supermarket aisles today.
My eyes trailed over familiar items.
Contraband cookies, sugary juices and sodas.
Total disinterest.
Cakes? nope.
Instead i went for yogurt (fat free only because the sugar free stuff tastes like pureed ass)
God bless my body's ability to tell me what it needs. Let's hope come PMS time next month i can reject the chocolate and cookies!
I proceeded to the farmer's market (which we just call a market here).
My eyes played over smooth green grapes that concealed no seeds.
Red grapes with seeds lurking, watermelons, pineapples,oranges,apples, and then i saw it. I stopped for a minute, not breathing, not moving.
STRAWBERRIESSS!!!!
Expensive as heck (we almost never get them here) but i didn't care, i picked up a container of them and sniffed them all the way home.
I've got a fridgefull of strawberries,plums,apples,lettuce,carrots,cucumbers and tomatoes.
I think a spa weekend is in order since i have the place all to myself.
What say ye?
Do i smother myself in a mint masque,paint my toenails pink and gouge on veggies and fruit and good ol H2O?
I say yes.
Much needed weekend of me time and relaxation time.
Candles and potpourri here i come.

Art Journey

2005-03-17T17:06:00.000-04:00

I'm in a better mood.
I've done a lot this week, the most important being some long awaited painting.
Did not paint anything substantial, nothing i usually paint and also not in my usual style.
I argued with myself briefly over colour and composition and sometimes technique.
But each time i reminded myself to surrender, and i did.
It's nothing museum worthy but they're stepping stones to my new and evolving style.
As i'm getting older,i'm more willing and comfortable to see what the medium is capable of and how i can manipulate it differently.
Its quite liberating and yes, dauting as well.
Art journaling is very much a great means of therapy - cheap therapy at that!

oldie

2005-03-14T17:02:00.000-04:00

This is a post i wrote on monday
Blogger ate it.
It was entitled 'Mi corazon quebrado'
Although it doesn't reflect my current mood i felt it necessary to repost.
Date is also changed back to monday the 14th.

I've been staring at this blinking cursor for hours.
I leave
I come back
It still blinks.
At least one thing in my life is constant.
Haven't written any poetry in a long time but i'll subject you to something
i've had in my head.
I think its extreme sadness and pain lends to my poetry writing.

I close my eyes to make it go away
But inside i still see.
A broken shell a picture show
Of who I used to be.
Unrecognizable and strange
Vacant and captivated
Eyes affixed
Glazed from within.
My heart at my feet
Afraid to step
Shards glistening
Shades of a broken heart.
It beats.
For life alone
Feeling gone afraid to return
Hurt so deep
Don't know which way is up
Lungs burning limbs flailing
Life waning will lessening
I want to breathe.
I don't remember how.
Their knives pierce repeatedly
Ignorant aims
Careless stabs
My will to live is stronger than them.

Exam studying day...10?

2005-03-09T23:18:00.000-04:00

Catchup on previous days.
Saturday which was day 7 i think.
We had to crash at 2am our brains were starting to revolt.
We slept until maybe 7.
We hit it from 7 to 7pm and then i slept from then till the morning of the exam.
Woke up at 6am and headed to hades by 7:15
Hades indeed.
The classroom was hot.
It was noisy outside
oh..and the exam? pretty much nothing i studied for. I briefly wondered if i was in the right room and i looked up at my classmates looking around in disbelief too.
The second one sucked more if that was possible and i came home and crashed.
Its now almost thursday and i'm completely unmotivated.
I've completed one topic of one module and i'm not in a hurry to start another.
But..i must.
I hope our thurs nite all niter pans out well.
Wish me miracles.
Luck won't do it.

MIND LOSS

2005-03-08T15:36:00.000-04:00

so THIS is what the end of the road feels like.
Holy shit.
I'm losing my goddamned cottonpickin mind.
Forgive me, i just feel like bitching and ranting because i'm in the world's worst mood.
If i was the hulk i'd be turning green and ripping my shirt off right now.
If i were Tammy Faye i'd be crying my mascara'd lashes off in torrents of tar colored tears.
I'm me and i have NO CLUE right now how to let anything out.
Me!!! Miss emotional.
I'm experiencing numbness
pardon the french but right now i dont give a flying fuck.
I DO NOT want to study
I DONT see the point
I DONT want to do ANYTHING right now except scream and pull my hair out and i dont' have a particular reason for this.
I'm probably not making a lot of sense because nothing in my head makes sense right now and i wish the noise in my head would just fucking STOP ALREADY
i'm listening to music so loudly my windows are shaking yet i can barely hear it over my boisterous thoughts.
I feel like grand central station is crammed into my skull and all trains filled to capacity are arriving at EXACTLY the same time and everyone is getting out and yelling to someone in china.
Somebody make them shut up.

Exam Studying Day 6

2005-03-05T20:19:00.000-04:00

You're
lucky
i'm
blogging.
My name...don't remember
must..go....
been up for 13.5 hours since my last 'catnap' and been studying for all but half hour of that.
How i'm typing, let alone coherent,
no idea
let it be over SOON
Exams 1 and 2 are tomorrow from 9am to 4pm.
Will blog if my fingers,eyes,brain are all working simultaneously.

Exam Studying Day 5

2005-03-04T10:18:00.000-04:00

This one's a doozy you're gonna love it.
We get called out to school for a very LATE review class which added a buncha topics to what we had originally planned to study.
We were so overwhelmed and frustrated that we decided to meet at my house, where we promptly grabbed up our books and papers and began cramming information anywhere it would go.
Some sucked through a straw, some snorted and i think a few even pried out their eyeballs and rammed information behind them.
Our enlarged heads have yet to make pillow contact but our bellies have been fed.
Off to bed to rest said head
I hope i can get up in the mor ning!

Exam Studying Day 4

2005-03-02T20:51:00.000-04:00

Awoke with a gnarly tummy ache.
Most likely induced by the smell of too much bleach and bug spray.
I'll blog about WHY some other time and no - i was NOT ingesting it no matter how tempting it may seem. (I'M JOKING!)
I am still a little icky split but i've managed to plow through 90% of one subject.
I expect to finish tonight and quiz myself so i can begin subject number 2 tomorrow morning.
I have a revision class tomorrow evening and i'm PRAYING that this gets narrowed down some.
Will check in again tomorrow.
Off to finish studying.

Exam studying day 3

2005-03-01T18:58:00.000-04:00

Did not post about Days 1 and 2 so here's the nutshell.

Day 1 SUNDAY
Studied Data Flow Diagrams.
Learned a great method for doing these and we scored well on our practices.
The one i chose to do on my own....murder.
We're praying nothing similar comes in the actual exam.
I'm confident about my DFD ability (save for long assed questions like the abovementioned)

Day2 MONDAY
Studied - Butkis.
Listened to music, read blogs, ignored anyone who mentioned studying.
Panic sets in eventually.

Day3 TUESDAY
I flew out of bed to a ringing phone.
A friend was checking in to see how studying was coming along.
Studying? Crapshitfuckassbitch
Grabbed a quick shower and started. Procrastinating again.
What to study. Will i have time. What the FUCK am i doing.
Decided on a couple topics and hit ONE
ONE out of NINE.
I've decided to give myself till the late evening (8-9pm) of Day 4 to finish this subject.

Sad

2005-02-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

I don't know what name i should give to my current state of mind or my mood.
Its not good but its not horrible.
I'm overwhelmed with studying for exams but i can do it.
I'm disheartened by my current situation.
How dare i let people's actions affect me so deeply.
They do.
My focus must remain on my studies for the next two weeks and stay there.
But i am really lacking faith in the human race about now.
Definitely not feeling very trusting of anyone.
I don't feel like i really know anyone i thought i did anymore.
And i'm unsure how to act around anyone,not knowing who they are.
I'm a sad little girl tonight.
There, we have a name for the emotion.